Anywhere But Here

The world has a funny way of reminding me of what could have been

if I was anywhere but here.

If I had gone to different schools,

met different friends,

and loved boys who were socially accepted for me to love.

If my parents had not divorced,

or if they decided to live in a different city, state, or country.

I could have been stuck at my rock bottom,

Or maybe I would have never experienced it,

And be left oblivious to the burrows of pain in this life.

If my stature grew more vertically,

Or if my medium complexion became a little lighter,

so that I would not get as many dismissive looks or underestimated judgements.

It is incredibly easy to find and fixate on what we do not have,

To construct the walls that enforce barriers,

Rather than to immerse in wonder on the simple things

of each dawning moment.

It can be incredibly hard to focus on what we do have,

To deconstruct the desire of intensifying lack,

To lengthen the mental capacity and energy

within the cores of our being.

Our clinging to wish, to want, and to worry, is nothing but an illusion of everything that we are not.

Fear, shame, and lack are simply masks that quarrel over and fight against each other,

on how they want you to wear its mask.

Each one of them is not you. It is separate from you. Let it all dissipate.

Though it may take a long time to do so, as it may chase you ferociously,

The goal is not to have it completely disappear. It is just to manage it, so it no longer

affects your perspective towards your purest intention of joy.

Wipe the windows a little bit, clean up the messiness here and there,

for small renovations can go a long way.

What you truly are, is something that no one else can decide, other than yourself.

You are true when you do things that make your heart feel big.

I hold this blog to be true to who I am. For it is a space to write about what I must remind myself.

If I was anywhere but here,

my internal space for gratitude and contentment may not have been as expansive as it is now.

Although external forces can still bury me to the depths of undeserving darkness,

I am the internal force that can decide to fall into that hole, or to dig my way out.

Although wallowing in my tears is easier to do,

I can do hard things, because I am strong.

And at the end of each day, I honor all emotions on the spectrum of living.

I came from Scooby Doo to Atypical,

Caprisun packs to Keurig coffee pods,

basketball courts to dance floors,

nutrition to psychology,

and resisting my house to embracing a home.

And with each path I now cross,

I now have it within me to help walk others’ home.

Towards belonging, understanding, acceptance, and awareness.

If there is anything that I have learned from these past two decades of being birthed,

torn, cherished, hurt, loved, and more, it is this:

If I constantly think of being anywhere but here,

I am disrupting the power of what is here in front of me.

I must be where my feet are.

It is best to live in the moment.

Our breaths are testimonies to our hearts that pump our bodies with meaningful tenacity. To align with its tenacity is to trust, listen, and connect with our presence.

Our bodies are determined to keep us alive, because to be alive is to live fully.

So now, I relay the question to you:

what makes you feel ALIVE?

Right now. In this moment.

Go do something that makes you feel alive, with a swelling heart and eager eyes.

That would be your truest and happiest you.

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P.S. ~ Happy last day of June, AKA my favorite month of the year with my pride community and birthday. It’s been a great one. :)

- Kat <3

IG: @plantifullylivin

@katrinazara