Bittersweet - an original poem on the unifying polarities of living (+ important life updates)
Bittersweet - a poem about facing the tough and brutal truth of living college over the COVID-19 pandemic, with the realizations of lost time and opportunities and how they shaped you.
By Kat Zara
What is bittersweet?
It's the ending of a dear connection: formerly glued pathways now separately dispersing towards different destinations.
The growing pains: how your “growing up” may cause you to outgrow loved ones in the process.
The ending of an expectation: the unexpected absence of a beautiful presence you had lovingly planned and deeply hoped for.
The persistence of regret: yearning for change in a past course of action, because final inaction led to lost opportunity.
The intensities of sequential polarities: the excitement and rapture fostered by robust anticipations, met by desolate disappointment tainting each memory.
The power of helplessness: firmly knowing what’s in your control, but strongly longing for what’s out of your control.
The consuming state of confusion: the inability to fairly monitor the source of your frustrations.
The concept of time: how impermanent and fleeting our most precious, beautiful moments can be.
The existence of awareness: the unbearable realization that these precious moments are passing you, and you’re still trying to grasp onto them.
So, bittersweet isn’t just feeling happy and sad. It is the space where joy and sorrow, rapture and struggle, calm and chaos coexist to simultaneously collide and coalesce.
But the beauty behind the bittersweet?
The acceptance of how messy it is to be human.
To feel bittersweet is to let every emotion in.
And letting everything in all at once takes courage.
Hope you enjoyed my poem! Now, onto important life updates to explain where I'm at...
With my last regular term of college wrapping up, nothing has ever hit me before like it ever has these past few weeks: how I'm done with the undergrad experience! Acceptance is difficult when you feel like you missed out a lot on the socially interactive experiences of the college life. That being said, I share this poem with you all, in the hopes that you may allow yourself to feel whatever comes your inner way as well. And turning any form of pain you feel into something better, is a gift we all have access to.
I realize how these bitter aspects of my lived experiences are not in polarity with the sweetness of what is to come for me; rather, it is complementary. That's what bittersweet is all about. It's about accepting how the negative and positive can be in union with each other. It is about releasing control of everything that comes your way, so that no resistance is left to cloud your peace. We must feel our feelings; then, we respond to them in ways that best serve us. With that in mind, I am also ecstatic to share with you all the forthcoming sweet parts of my life that's allowing me to end college soon on an extremely high, meaningful note:
For my university's very first pride festival ever, I am PERFORMING at my very first pride festival ever! I am honored and excited beyond words, as my sexuality was a part of me that my freshman self was too ashamed of to open up about even in the slightest. And now, fast forward to the very end of college, I will be on stage singing my heart out on June 3. - More details and the full performer set line up can be found HERE!
I am also sharing this free form piece about bittersweetness at my dear friend's hosted POC mental health & culture art exhibit this weekend, on June 4: Worlds Through Minds! Along with other artists, speakers, and writers, I'm so grateful to have had this opportunity to share the internal world of my heart and mind with others. <3
Lastly, I am beyond excited to announce for the summer that I am going to...
For school credit to finish up college, I will be going on a 6 week summer study abroad program with a psychology internship under Recreate! I will be helping young kids with disabilities explore the country, experience further shared bonding activities, and make unforgettable memories of exploration in a beautiful, pristine country. I am beyond exhilarated to be finally be traveling after 2 years, and even more: I turn 21 years old on the plane, prior to the start of this trip. I absolutely can't wait to share with you all everything that I will experience on this platform.
If you would like to join me along with my journey of New Zealand and beyond, you may either sign up with your email directly on this blog site, or follow me on my Instagram: @plantifullylivin.
All of these updates explain why it's been quite a hectic life stage for me, and also why I haven't been able post as much as I would like on this digital platform (I just had 3 exams as well today, oof!) But despite whatever predicaments come my way, this blog has and always will be dear to my heart, not only for my mental health and wellness, but also hopefully for yours.
If the process of connecting back to myself helps you in your unique, beautiful process and journey to do the same, then by all means, this is worth it. This is why I write, sing, express, document and journal the insights of my lived experiences, and do all that I do.
It's all about connecting. If you have read this far, thank you so much and I appreciate you. <3
As always, sending much love and light for all always. I hope you stay true to who you are, always. For those who mind don't matter, and for those who matter don't mind.
- Kat <3
Other IG: @katrinazara