I'm Sorry - An Original Song by 20 Year Old Me

It has been a hot minute since I have posted on this blog, but that is because I just wrapped up the spring quarter, started summer break, and have been celebrating my 20th birthday! I can't believe that I am no longer a teenager; it feels exciting and nerve-wrecking and scary and joyful all at the same time. But it is in these moments of growing up that you realize how far you have come, how far you have grown out of, and the distances of growth inwards.

I have reflected and introspected much about my life, how I got here, and who I am able to be. In honor of my 20th birthday today, I have posted this song that I made last summer. However, at that time I was a bit too uncomfortable to be sharing it as it was a very vulnerable piece. Now, I am ready to share it with the world. :)

"I'm Sorry" is about getting trapped into a toxic relationship, overcoming the struggles and insecurities encompassed within that relationship, and consequently freeing oneself after finally realizing one's worth. In these modern times of online interaction as a catalyst for social engagement, it is about the experience of unhealthy connection that we collectively face at some point or the other.

As I enter into the years of young adulthood, I will meet new people who will either help me, hurt me, or both. I believe that the message of this song might help young women like me, as well as the youth, to remember their own value in whatever relationship they are in.

And why not release the song in a fun way other than plain lyrics slides? So I made it as a freestyle dance choreography with my hip hop fit. B-girl summer here we come! Enjoy this silly and fun music video :) (The lyrics and its breakdown are written below!)

Here are the lyrics and its breakdown:

I'm sorry that I don’t have that slim fit body

I'm sorry that I'm as short as a 10 year old boy

I'm sorry that I have roles in my pudgy belly

I'm sorry that I'm not enough for you to love me

• This verse actually exposes my insecurities that others may or may not relate to: being short, gaining weight over quarantine, and having bad body images to this day. It is about knowing the difficulties of being unable to meet the standards of societal beauty, and having trouble accepting that fact. One of the most current, universal internal challenges that we face is the sense of not feeling enough. Not doing enough. Not being enough. And when you enter into a relationship with that mindset, you constantly feel that you're incapable of receiving and giving love. Ouch.

Because when I see my reflection, it’s hard for me to not

compare all those beautiful girls and I get caught

With the probing thoughts of wonder if I looked like that

And now the next thing ya know, confidence has left the chat

• Social media has enhanced tendencies towards comparison and unrealistic expectations for what "beauty" truly means. Specifically, women constantly deal with the battle of truly living freely, while also sacrificing their own authenticity. It can be difficult to feel positive in an environment that constantly tries to profit off of what we lack. In this hypothetical relationship, nourishing beliefs and remembering your own inherent value dissipate, because her partner does not know how to healthily support them and love them unconditionally. Goodbye confidence! (It'll come back again though.)

I'm sorry that my eyes make me an ugly crier

I'm sorry that my voice is not as good as the choir

I'm sorry that my laugh is not cute, rather a cackle

I'm sorry I make what we have a constant battle

• This segment sheds light on inner shame and guilt. It is about blaming yourself on the things that you cannot control: your eyes, voice, laugh (when really, those are the things that make people beautiful with their uniqueness). Inner shame and guilt spirals into self-hatred as a negative feedback loop, to the point where you think that everything is your fault in the relationship, how it went wrong, and what could go wrong. In reality, it is her partner that is too emotionally unavailable and mentally immature for healthy communication, positive consistent reinforcement, and radical acceptance. Therefore, they are facilitating her insecurities and low self-esteem by not being ready to love her in the way that she needs to be loved.

Wait! But when we talk, face to face,

That’s all you care about: my face

Ramble on and on with our snaps, but not a peep about my days

Why do you only care about all the pictures

when you’re the one that only has to glance to break mirrors?

• This is the breakthrough moment! After a long period of being in the relationship together, she drops the rose colored glasses and realizes that her partner is shallow and superficial, as they only care about appearance and reputation. Take a Snapchat? Check. Ask about your day? Nope. Then, anger arises from her heart's core, because she realizes how much time she has wasted on valuing herself through the eyes of her partner. Her own mirror of perception has shattered into a more powerful one.

And so I'm really sorry that you only got to scratch the surface

I’m sorry that you did not get to feel my real hugs

I'm sorry that I did not make myself a priority

I’m sorry that you missed your only opportunity

to be happy with me freely

• SHE HAS REALIZED HER WORTH AND IS DANCING.

• Because she no longer cares about what people think.

• Her glow-up is that she is confident and she is happy.

• That's it.

Such potential lost

Sorry not sorry!

• She was not sorry all along. She has reclaimed her inner power back again by finally being able to see her own light, beauty, potential, and love she has to offer. She reframed her experience of being in a negative and toxic relationship into a learning opportunity for what constitutes healthy and genuine connection. That is love. And self-love is worldly love.

- Kat <3

@plantifullylivin

@katrinazara